Let's Waste Time..

I play with your mind, you play with mine!
Whatever happens to this god-given life.
Precious, is not the word for the swine.
I have an ego to massage, You have thine.

Let's waste time.


Let me have my say and win, and celebrate your loss.
When I lose, I too become a rot.
Whatever happens to our self, is an imaginary thought!

Let me know my little world - for it's all that I got.
In the twilight of my life,
I will sit and reflect, if everything was a naught.

For now let me be drunk, on who is who and what is what.
Let me be one, with all who are similarly caught. 
I want to feel at home, although I'm lost.

Let me not think of way back, until it's too late.
For I fear finding, what I really sought.
So let me just be, it's my escape from lots.

Dear Success

It only suits a successful man to talk of the importance of a failure !

Who does not love or want success? But unfortunately or fortunately, it's a few things that you could choose to be successful at. Rest are endured in the spirit of completing the circle.It's heartening to be received as successful - as sometimes it's a burden of a tired soul, trying to find an approval of it's own ideas, and at others an answer to a question, long sought. I have experienced this dialogue so many times, in my mind.

Deep within, there is a die-hard believer in most of us, who wants to stand a little longer, wants to be heard for some more time. One can sometimes feel elevated with success stories, even though the recipe has been recycled and served.

Self and its matters are germinal subjects, when it comes to motivation. Happiness is perhaps the second most important. My only contention is that - in retrospect, perhaps most of us think that we have dealt amazingly with our situations, but could we ever lose the gravity while we were in/with them ? And then the argument is that you need to experience, all shades of life, to keep alive. So, my point is - why bother then ?

I think rationality is a benchmark, that most of us have, for our decisions. Pursuit of self can verge on to the pursuit of selfishness. It's not an easy life because all of us think and think differently. And that holds in the idea of success and failure too.

I feel, there could be more happiness, if not sought. More of self when not searched ! But success is alluring, very comely in demeanor.Failure, if not translated to success, is despicable. The tryst goes on.. and I keep hooked on to dear success..

Downstream..

Silently the river flows beside me. I have been watching its huge expanse. I'm in the middle of an adventure trip, where the river had been wild in places. Its rapids of violent waters headbanging against small hillocks. I had been there, in them, holding someone, something or scampering to do the same.

Now it looked smooth and peaceful in close comfort of the skirting mountains - gentle and divine, though I still reeled under a gamut of emotions, of having sailed through. Not that the panorama has changed too much - but it seems like I'll be more practiced now. It's slowly growing on me.

I get into the water to float and feel the lightness of my body, holding the hand of a friend, whom I met in this expedition - at times losing and at times finding her support, in the rock-n-roll !

At some distance, I see more rapids coming - I'm quite tired but patient..bring it on..

Pure

My little one heard a sermon a few days back. More on the lines that we all have an expiry date. Older people vacate earlier and the younger ones stay on for some more years.

She asked me - 'So you'll leave ?'. 

I said - 'No, not like how you think. There's a lot of time !'. 

'Well ! But you'll leave that means ?'

'In a way yes, but let's talk of something else...'

'You lied - I don't want to talk to you now !'

I'm struggling with life, how do I explain death to you - I thought as I wound up my cooking chores.

That was that.

And today, as I close in on to my little one, to pick her up in my arms and kiss her forehead, she cringes at my touch. I feel a twitch in my heart as she looks at me with complaints writ large on her face. Her sensitivity makes me gulp down lumps of emotion, as a rush of them brings tears to my eyes. It's a strange relationship I'm discovering with her. Wouldn't I love to live like this forever! But I know, my little one would
grow too, into a woman who would be a source of strength. And then she would know it all. For now I just happily snuggle the sleeping angel, before she writes me a loving epitaph..
__________________________________________________________________________

Inspired from a conversation.

Happy New Year !

                                       
                                          

In this form, a₁, a₂, …, a_n are the coefficients, x₁, x₂, …, x_n are the variables, and b is the constant. When dealing with three or fewer variables, it is common to replace x₁ with just x, x₂ with y, and x₃ with z, as appropriate.

Won't take up anything on algebra and disappoint an anticipating mind ! But this was just the right equation to sum up this year for me.  Year after year, it's b's struggle to balance itself out as a constant. That 'b' could be either of us. There are variables with varied proportionalities affecting his existence negatively or positively. Some just zeroing out and others in a hip-hop, zig-zag tandem, completing what you would call - the rhythm of life..

Most of these variables being people - learned, unlearned, burdened, unburdened and undergoing their own learning curves. Leaving 'b' with a feverish sense of self sometimes - which would for months give it sleepless nights interspersed with vomits of acid and numbness incomparable. And at others, a comforting warmth of a mother's protection of her infant.

There are the one's, self-assured of perfection, committing deeds comparable to any indistinguishable mortal. Not that I alienate myself but I was always a seeker - failing, faltering and succeeding. So I never knew the difference. But like every other non-conclusive year on 'knowing' things - this ends on a similar, though a very drawn out, melodramatic  note !

There have been some beautiful artifacts in terms of human goodness and softer emotions which I always treasured. Lot of it had been an object of mockery and misunderstanding, and it has taken a while for me to reconcile. No time is enough for people to understand you and vice-versa. And hence I don't see an end to conflicts. I had to assume some extremely familiar people as dead, pass them by like they were just apparitions - it was atrociously funny and it still is ! But if it's ordained this way - I can only concede because I live anyway..

Hoping there's something new in this New year.

Wish there are pleasant surprises which hold your breath time and again.That nature rocks you to sleep and eases you with caressing winds, which whisper lullabies into your ears when you're tired. And may it be the soft sun rays' that promise a peaceful, fruitful dawn that starts each of your day..

My greetings for this year. Wish you a very Happy 2012 :)

On Marriage...

In the Indian context, I think this is one of the most talked about subject ! I don't get the reasons though. But now that I'm actually going through the process, popularly known as 'settling down', for quite a while now, I  can almost empathize with people, who go through the grind..

It can begin anytime during school, college, while in a job etc. And there is an upper age limit to it, mostly. Lower age limit, maybe yes - as formalization happens only after thresholds of manhood/womanhood are met. People taking an initiative towards this, are said to be in love and the others, like me, are caught unawares by the years passing by, until you start hitting the fateful numbers ! And then as your parents/relatives, find a 'suitable match' for you, you start creating 'the magic'.

It is evident from my posts that I travel quite a bit everyday - and a lot of this time is spent listening to various sounds, which put me to sleep or attune my mind to an abstract, tiring concentration.. The various sounds are the groan of my bus, hisses and hushed whispers of lovers and fiances, catching up after a days' work (somehow married people prefer to sleep ! :D ), chitchats of friends, some music if I have my earphones on, horns of vehicles whizzing by and some noise of crowd outside..


I could be an outlier, or at-least, I feel like one ! But I've very earnestly tried to understand and contemplate the importance such institutions...and the way people perceive them to be. There's a huge difference between love and sexual love. Between friends and boy/girl-friends ! Love and friends look dispensable..'true love' doesn't ! So much so, that as if to highlight an object as fairer/lighter, you paint it's background darker, grosser - to vindicate your stand for a person, you would highlight the imperfections of the world around you..especially when your lives are not congruent..And this has not been my isolated experience, with one person. But again, these views could be partisan..

Another interesting attitudinal change I observe as people get into a 'relationship' (like others are not), is a heightened sense of insecurity..maybe it's to do with a perceived lack of sexual freedom- that the little that we have is worth guarding from everything inauspicious. But what beats me is, that people who are not into one, are generally taken to be indulging in a sort of 'voyeurism', even when the exhibits are in public spaces...and are mostly confined to dropping hints to partners.

Similarly, for a youth, passion, care and concern are more ascribed to man/woman love than a platonic association.In recent times, in fact, a deep platonic association is read as an 'abnormality' by many !

When if you look at it from my perspective, I feel almost floundering in the dark when it comes to such matters.My sense of practical wisdom had not been taken kindly by many, though time stood by me, and lately, it's also been understood as a trickery..and I'm bemused to the core of my being..

All said and done, I think people would need people beside them always. Marriages(love and otherwise) tend to give a longevity to such associations. In the end if it makes you feel anchored someway, it must be good :)

By the By..

I come after a long hiatus here - believe there’s something to pour out !

The months gone by and the years of late have been life-changing, personally and professionally. Though I’ve been fortunate enough to be able to strike off a number of significance from my wish-list, there have been things which have kept on adding. And others, that have left a lingering void and thus, a wonder for life. It’s almost a solemn grace with which life is revealing itself with each passing day, as I sit and marvel its continued romance.

Some of my best possessions (or so I like to believe), in terms of people who dearly touched my life, have slowly moved on – with marriage, death and life in general. And I feel so indebted, that they helped me to be better than myself, even when I didn’t meet their idea of perfection. Professionally, so far, every change has been a fresh start for me !

In this passing-by, all that I always thought was dynamic, somewhere held the promise of a constancy and I wanted to believe. But the hypnotism just makes it more livable for the time-being. Transitions are sudden, or so I felt - never giving you enough time to be practiced.

Most of the life gets relegated to thoughts and memories. Memories which come rushing in like waves of a sea, filling you in with freshness and excitement, and the ones that recede into the same vastness, taking away the sand beneath your feet, as you struggle to find a firm foundation. And thoughts, what to say of them ? A constant companion and perhaps, the only constant companion..  

Till sometime back, I used to travel from my workplace to my home (a considerable distance), and would witness the transition from day to dusk to dark, as the world around me would lose all its color slowly – and transform into solid dark mass – kept alive and colorful, with all that is humanly possible.

Towards the end of this journey every day, I would pass by a cremation ground beset with a couple or more pyres still ablaze with prominent reflections in the river, alongside. A liberating scene, in the sense, that all the discords, hate, love and warmth would be laid to rest despite the wishes and wants -  and therefore, there’s some meaning in letting go.. 

A Bohemian's Blues

Man is the product of his environment. (Masculine is only a generalization here).

In my search for an individuality, environment is what has caught my fancy of late. Re-wording it as culture makes it a huge ocean in which I rest for a while as it flows through as thoughts that were heard and resonated.

Culture more in behavioral and literary terms has been moulding generations of humanity across geographies. Like chunks of rocks being turned into ordered and dimensional bricks while constructing great pieces of architecture - it also serves a similar purpose of building a behemoth of a civilization.The awe that these monuments of human perseverance and imagination kindle, even for the mason who had been instrumental in shaping it - is similar to the sentiments experienced by the people of a civilization too..the awe which is inspiring at times and intimidating at others !

On a wider base this word looks all-encompassing, but as it gets broken into silos - every individual seems to be defining some and confining to others. I don't see the generalizations of Protestant and Catholic cultures as they have come to be defined in recent times. Intriguing it is though, that some patterns do lend  our existence as predictable.

90% of world trade happens through the sea-route. And in that sense, most of the countries of the eastern hemisphere have been naturally disadvantaged. With a majority lying huddled together, they are void of passages in between, necessary for the proliferation of material and thought. And these have been interestingly the nations which are known for a Catholic culture - one that lays emphasis on 'self' and it's matters, with bare minimum emphasis on the physicality of being. Leading them to a natural consequence of material inferiority.

The other half - the western or protestant cultures, which are the pioneers of 'individual' thought - are visibly the fairer and better-off cousins. Materialism finds an agreement with them. The number of researches and innovations for lifestyle improvements are vindictive of the fact. On the flip-side, that makes the oriental - a mystique, a birthplace of major religions and a spiritual mecca..
 
As an aside, there are parallels that can be drawn with the human mind too. People governed more by the eastern(feminine/right) brain - dealing with the softer side of a personality, emotions, feelings et al.. and the others with the western(masculine/left) brain - handling the logical, statistical ability of an individual. More or less their dispositions are predictable and so is their material well-being. Men and women with dominant left and right respectively have been understood on similar lines.

Sometimes I am amazed at the extent of amalgamation that an individual undergoes under influences that are mostly beyond his/her control. And to think differently than an accustomed pattern becomes quite an impossibility. In that sense, all of us are prejudiced, beyond our understanding of ourselves.There have been tenets laid down which are meant to be a torchlight, of how things should be done and how the motivations be directed. But what bothers me is whether it's (for the sake of a contrast) the 'American  profit' or the 'Japanese growth' (the two divergent theories) which can deliver us ? Or is it something else that we're looking for, which is neither of them..

In the context of human relationships too, the lines between right and wrong, just and unjust, love and hate are hazy. The contours they define keep varying with time, space and people. And sometimes that renders into hurts that are never intended and pain that is inflicted unknowingly..

If rebirth is a possibility or if I'm the maker of my own destiny - I'm floating cluelessly !


      

Alive ?..really ?

Sun's rays dispersed carelessly on the placid waters of the river, emanate peace and calm as myriads of souls cross over the bridge above it everyday. But so much like the view is variously the life of many or all perhaps.

 'Underneath your clothes, there's an endless story.. ' (well only that much from the song for now !)

I cross this bridge everyday like so many others, for reasons that I don't comprehend too much, but here believing comes first !

The other day, I stopped by a TV channel showing the 'Great Migrations' of different species across the earth. One specie following the rains, the other following the forests, the third their prey in these two, the fourth the water current etc. etc. And it was as if they were all destined to migrate as an integral part of sustaining the food chain.One eats the other and both breed more and man eats all (well almost ! thanks to the gray matter which works for just about everyone)

Not that mere distance would evoke such philosophical sentiments, but from a bird's eye view, all the locomotion apparently fits us also somewhere in this race for survival.And for the many of my clan - who by all major parameters of survival, would survive - ironically look the most lifeless.

Survival takes its toll too !

Quiet a few quit for want of more or less from life. Many became the unsung heroes whose obituaries were written in the sands of time. The others - of whom I know through preserved inscriptions in stones, books and world literature. Not sure whether they would agree with these accounts about themselves, if alive or if only destiny was the rightful scribe. Because as I have seen it, when you're assuredly about to sing -  'All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..', life tells you to sit down, loosen up, take a deep breath in, breathe out and Relaaxx ! And just when you're footloose and fancy-free, it hits you hard and makes you wake up to reality..

Personally I'm an ardent fan of the theory of Karma, but somehow I'm missing the inferences from the practical experiments. Its a Neti, Neti (not yet, not yet) for me so far..